You hear it all the time from those who want gun control laws added to the more than 25,000 plus existing regulations, “if it only saves one life, it is worth it.” Many of us who actually value simple small things like the right of self determination, the constitution of the nation, and individual liberty will often point to automotive deaths as a counter argument, but I have a better one – deaths and injuries due to staircases. Let’s examine some classic gun grabber logic and apply it to staircases. I think you will be shocked at the results.
First some statistics, falling down stairs on average
- Kills over 1,300 people per year – (source)
- Over 1 million people are injured per year in stairway falls – (source)
- Nearly 100,000 children a year are injured enough by stairway falls to require hospitalization – (source)
- Young children and the elderly are the most victimized by falls – (source)
Let’s take those numbers over a decade we get…
- 13,000 deaths that never had to happen
- 10,000,000 plus hospital visits that never had to happen
- 1,000,000 children hospitalized for serious injury that never had to happen
- An unfair and disproportionate group of victims who are small kids or older adults that need protection
Now I know those that love regulation are thinking, I know we can do something, some sort of warning sign campaign or perhaps requiring some sort of additional safety whereever stairs are. Oh no, if we are going with “if it saves even one life” logic like gun grabbers, let us go to the next one, “no one needs a gun”. Now you and I may be tempted to point out that no one needs a lot of things people own. Like say a DVD collection of Desperate Housewives, but that people have a right to property. Let’s not go there though, let’s follow this logic into something that will kill 130,000 people and injure more that 10,000,000 and put over 1,000,000 precious babies in the hospital in the next 10 years.
Here is a radical thought, “no one needs stairs”. Heresy? Not really, clearly I am not serious when I say we should ban stairs, but let us examine it with gun control logic. Why do you think you need stairs? Well, to get to the second or higher floor of a building for one thing. Really? Man, elevators have been safer than stairs since 1852 when the cable brake was invented by Elisha Otis. So we just need to ban stairs (except for emergency use and their use by trained professionals, of course) and we will save over 13,000 lives in only 10 years, not to mention prevent over 10,000,000 hospital visits.
Not practical? Now hold on this is gun grabber logic where the government has a fleet of magic unicorns that fart rainbows and solve problem with things called regulations, laws, congressional committees, building codes and “government oversight” not to mention taxing the evil rich!
Let’s start with what we can all agree on, the madness must stop. So, at a minimum, we have to ban the building of any new stairs for general use. All new constructions will have stairs only for emergency evacuations, there will be licensed trained professionals that can use them for other needs and who will direct us untrained types down them if necessary. That is right, if you need to use your stairs dial 911 and professionals will come to your aid.
This will add to tax payer expense as all public buildings will have to have additional elevators added, as the ones for equal access to the handicapped won’t be sufficient. However, we know, due to those elevators, that government regulations work, if you mandate elevators they will appear! Of course it is only right that the rich pay their fair share, so we also can pass laws saying any and all commercial buildings (this would include apartments) must have sufficient elevators installed for all use by residents/customers. We are not unreasonable, this plan can be phased in over a few years. Oh and big companies that would be adversely affected can get a waiver, you know like, Walmart did with Obamacare.
Now wait, I know what you are thinking, you’re thinking what about areas where an elevator isn’t practical, where you only need a few stairs, right. Well, that is still to dangerous! But it isn’t a problem, have you ever wondered why we have both stairs and wheelchair ramps in the same place outside a building for instance? Time for this moronic redundancy to end, if a ramp is good enough for a person in a wheelchair, it is good enough for people who can walk upright, too. This will save a ton of money in construction costs and, as you will soon see, we are going to need plenty of money to solve this deadly problem.
Now, of course, we will be installing these elevators and closing all stairs in schools as well, that happens in the above paragraph. But hey kids are at the greatest risk! So all schools need to also be stair free zones. Not only will be give priority to removing all dangerous stairs from schools over other government facilities, but we will double the new substantial penalties for anyone creating anything close to a stair without a permit. If it happens in a “stair free zone”, 5 years of prison becomes 10, I mean we have to protect the children.
Oh wait! On that note, kids can be part of the problem due to neanderthal type parents that join radical new groups like the new NSWA (National Stair Way Association). Such parents encourage their poor children to continue an archaic process of stair usage as though it was some sort of right granted by a mythical “creator”. So we will need a zero tolerance policy on stairs in schools. If little Timmy stacks books the wrong way, out he goes or if little Tammy chews her state approved sandwich into a blocky shape she has to go, too. I mean, when that horrible little monster of a kid chewed his pop tart in the shape of a gun, they suspended him right? For the love of God, lives are at stake! Need I remind you 13,000 people will die from this that don’t have to if we fail to act!
So okay now the kids are safe, all stairs are out of schools or only to be used by trained professionals who must be first called in to help others use them. We have stair free zones that double the stair building prison sentences for anyone creating a stair on school property or within 1 mile around it. Finally the kids are safe, at least at school. We will also have “stair free zones” on all public property, let a protesting member of the NSWA climb on his “soap box” in a public area, hey bud that looks like a stair, so it is 5 years in the clink, well 10 for you buddy, this is a stair free zone. Again, no one needs stairs, we are not barbarians, technology has a safer answer.
So now the big problem, grandma and the kids are all now safe in rental units or safe secure stair free zones when in public buildings. Yet what about the middle class and the lower middle class, wealthy enough to have a home but not an elevator.
Hold on, first let’s start with what we all agree on, the madness has to stop. So we will start with new construction, no more two story homes without approval. If you want two stories you have to show “good cause”. If approved, you are responsible for your own elevator. If you are a licensed professional, you can use your stairs without calling 911 first, but your family may only do so in time of emergency under supervision. I mean, you don’t think it is okay for a wife of a New York City police officer to handle his service pistol do you? That is dangerous, he is the trained professional, not her.
Hell, you know what, this no more or seriously limited two story house construction is a great idea anyway. I mean two and three story homes are far less energy efficient than a one story home. Hey don’t you care about the polar bears, are you some evil climate change denier or something? Yep, smaller, more energy efficient housing for everyone. Well, except for the connected and the wealthy that can get a permit, we are on to something here. Now we can turn to the existing 100 million plus owner occupied homes, about half of which are two story, and fix that. It is a big challenge, but America should be an example to the rest of the world!
Let’s face it, there is no way the average person can afford having their stairs walled off and an elevator installed, we need government to step up for that! So we can create a new government workforce, we can call it the “Elevator Installations and Maintenance Squad” the EIMS, all such groups need catchy sounding names! These will be good government jobs and help lower unemployment. First they will get on the massive task of putting in about 50 million elevators and blocking off an equal number of stairways. There will be job training and benefits. It will be expensive, but let’s just raise the marginal top tax rate from 39% to 49%, those rich assholes have plenty of money! And if that isn’t enough to pay for this, we can print money. The story that printing money causes inflation is a right wing conspiracy theory!
Heck, in the end the program will pay for itself! Consider the size of this workforce and what it will mean to the economy. It won’t only help big cities either, rural America has plenty of two story houses, I wonder if that big old Walton’s House is still around, it needs an elevator, too, you know! I mean, you might think after all new homes are one story or self funded for elevators and all existing homes retrofitted we are done, but who is going to maintain all this new technology? The EIMS, of course, don’t forget the M all letters are important in a government agency, you know, you can’t just pick and choose the ones you like.
I mean, with so many new elevators in both public, private and commercial hands, there is no way the private sector can be trusted to look after them all. The EIMS will be a great place to work for many decades. The brilliant Mr. Keynes taught us about this. Think about it, all EIMS members are trained pros, they will get permits easily via their jobs for two story homes. So that is more work for them in installation and maintenance right there. They are going to spend the money they are paid, so what is the problem, it goes into the economy stupid!
They will buy cars, send their kids to safe schools, have a great benefits package. This will spur the economy to even greater heights, and this is all while saving millions from serious injury and tens of thousands from certain death over the years! There really is no reason not to do this, I mean, with guns we have that pesky second amendment! There is no constitutional right to stairs, nor should there be. No stupid myopic conservative supreme court justices to get in the way, just that annoying NSWA lobby, but hell we can crush them like the prehistoric regressive vermin they are.
There will be even more jobs of course! Sure we have existing government agencies and the NIMS but we know no government agency can be self policed. So we will add yet another organization that will regulate all these new agencies and departments and elevators. This is a national movement, the tenth amendment doesn’t apply to this. The individual states can’t be trusted here. So a new federal agency will be created to provide this oversight and law enforcement service.
We will call it the BSCJ or the Bureau of Stairways, Cosmetics and Junk Food. While there is currently regulation of Cosmetics and Junk Food, it is pretty lapse and by consolidating them into the new BSCJ, we will save tax payers even more money all while creating even more jobs. I know hiring more government workers seems counter-intuitive to saving tax payers money, but you just have to trust me here. Of course this new organization will also need policing but that is no problem, we will just place it under the DOJ (Department of Justice).
I get it right here at the end you are all about getting on board with this right? You are just struggling with the last part, the BSCJ, right? I mean, do we really need another department of the DOJ and what the heck in the world do Cosmetics and Junk Food have to do with Stairways? Well, there is precedent for something that seems this unrelated and it always exists in the DOJ, so we know it will work perfectly. Of course I am talking about the BATF! People didn’t think alcohol, tobacco and firearms had a lot to do with each other back when that department was created either, but man it has worked out.
It is simple, we get some cool black jackets with big old white SCJ letters on them. Then we give these trained professionals guns, armored cars and tactical training just like the AFT gets. We make the SCJ a “a tax-collecting, enforcement and regulatory arm of the US Department of the Treasury” within the DOJ, just like the ATF is. We give them authority to tax collect, enforce law and see to our safety. From what the existing ATF says on their own website, if we do that, we can expect a 35 to 1 return on our money! Seriously that isn’t just a liberal pipe dream, you can see this 35 to 1 claim on the ATF’s own website here. Hell, all any government agency needs is guns and the power to tax and we can have more money than we know what to do with, but that is a story for another day.
For now can’t we just all agree to stop the madness! It is time for marches by MADS (Mothers Against Dangerous Staircases), time to call your congressmen and demand this. How can we fail to act when this program would revitalize our national economy, create good paying jobs, save lives, keep people out of the hospital and gives tax payers a 35 to 1 return on investment. The time is now, the hour of decision is at hand. We can cling to an outdated and archaic belief or move forward into a new progressive and safer society.
To those of you clinging to your Big Macs, lipsticks and stairways, let me simply add – the next poor child or elderly parent that falls to their death or injury could be your own. I mean, if we can save even one life…